Years ago, I had a relationship with someone I met in Final Fantasy XI. It wasn’t a good or solid relationship by any stretch of the imagination, and quite frankly I regret it because I wasn’t a good partner to her. I was actually a pretty terrible one, and she deserved better. Whether or not I was trying my best doesn’t matter; I screwed up, I made mistakes, and if I had it all to do over again, I would do things differently. I would do everything differently.
But FFXI doesn’t care.
The places that we shared together are still there, and they have not changed. The spots where we leveled together, where we talked, where we hung out. My character is the same one I played then. I have all these pieces of evidence of who we were and who we used to be. And despite the changes I’ve made since then, part of me always looks over my shoulder. Part of me always wonders. Part of me always worries. Because this isn’t just my game; it was ours. And I don’t own it.
You might think that this is a case of my wanting to avoid the consequences of being a garbage boyfriend 18 years later, and… on some level, that’s valid and fair. I did open off with that (not all of my anecdotes show me at my best; that’s the whole point of honesty). But it’s not really that. If she wanted to show up at my doorstep and yell at me for being a bad partner? Fair. Totally deserved. Name a time and a place; I own it because it is deserved.
It’s about the fact that I know I was garbage. And there’s a poison running through every part of what we used to have because just like trying to go back to a bar you and an ex used to frequent feels weird, that same sting is there. Something that was once an us thing is now being redefined as no longer an us thing.
I’ve talked about the sudden and wholly unexpected end of my marriage this year, and as anyone who reads the site over the long-term will no doubt be aware, this is not something I can just brush off. This presence is shot through so much of these games, of things that are supposed to bring me comfort in times of stress. Entertainment meant to uplift me.
How do you deal with that?
I’ve occasionally described World of Warcraft as feeling like a graveyard, but it’s not entirely accurate because graveyards are peaceful. Calm. There are people whom I simply lost over time, people who drifted out of my life from WoW, yes, but there are also so many moments of betrayal, refusal, cruelty, history stolen away from me and memories that feel agonizing to look upon. Places and names that meant so much to me, characters that are so deeply intertwined with the memories of people who are gone from me… and they’re still here, with no knowledge or understanding of the pain associated with them.
These characters are just collections of stats and polygons, but to look upon them is to tear out a fresh wound. It’s a reminder of loss, one so acute and so fundamental that you don’t even know how to start fixing it. How can you change it? How can a character you liked playing be reclaimed from someone who hurt you and isn’t even sorry about it?
It’s easier to just not. To just let these things go altogether. It’s so much simpler to see this as a part of your life that’s gone, just as surely as the people are. How much pain do you need to work through just to continue enjoying a game? You’d be better served if you just… didn’t bother. It’s a game. There are others.
People, including me, have talked a lot about what has changed with MMORPGs over the years, but maybe that’s really all it comes down to, isn’t it? Eventually it just hurts too much and it isn’t fun any more. It stops being an escape. And so why are you bothering? Put it on the shelf and let go of it. They say time heals all wounds, but maybe sometimes it just means that time lets you forget about the places you used to go once you stop going there.
Does WoW really mean so much to me without any of the people in it? Is there even anyone left to meet there who isn’t going to just turn into another regret? As I walk into my 40th year having watched so much of my life collapse around me, being thrown out of a moving car with such force and intensity that I can scarcely believe it… what’s the point? Why bother reclaiming? Why try to take these things back on a memory that used to bring joy when so many of these stories end in pain?
And the answer is… I don’t know.
Yes, this is usually at the point in these columns wherein I have something life-affirming, but the truth is I don’t have a good answer this time. I can’t tell you the right way to feel. Looking at all of it laid out, I can hardly blame people who would either rather live with their memories or just cut all of it out so it can’t hurt them any more. Maybe that’s the smarter decision than trying to reclaim.
Maybe when two people come together and someone burns you until nothing remains of who you were but ash, it’s useless to sift through the ashes looking for the ones that belong to you and you alone.
But… is there an alternative?
If you’re young enough that you’ve never experienced it, I envy you, but there are going to be people who break your heart. And some of them are going to break your heart in a way deeply intertwined with the things and places and yes MMOs that you love. There are things that were shared between you that still mean a lot to you, and you are going to have to navigate this. You are going to have to find the way to navigate that space.
And it’s awful. It’s painful. But maybe that’s part of the process. That even as these things hurt, you find the spaces that belong to you. The ways that define who you are. You get to rebuild, and even if it’s just as little as finding joy in characters and places in a video game, you need to still have things that are yours. You need to have the space and option to not cede who you are or who you were.
Maybe it’s worth the effort to reclaim this no matter how much it hurts because it’s the only game in town. You are going to have to face this pain. You are going to have to have your hands in the ashes of who you used to be. Might as well get sorting now because at least here you can log off and take your time.
Sometimes you know exactly what’s going on with the MMO genre, and sometimes all you have are Vague Patch Notes informing you that something, somewhere, has probably been changed. Senior Reporter Eliot Lefebvre enjoys analyzing these sorts of notes and also vague elements of the genre as a whole. The potency of this analysis may be adjusted under certain circumstances.
