Swords. Staffs. Maces. Spears. Wands. Bows. Crossbows. Double-crossbows. Hammers. Wolverine claws. Daggers. Axes. Deadly? Yes. Fashionable? Not so much. A two-handed sword is so 1299. Now, a deep dish Chicago-style pizza with the works flung into an enemy’s gullet — that’s progressive thinking!
Because I’m deeply bored with the usual suspects in most MMO armories, I wanted to spend a day praising devs who said, “Fellas, today we’re going weird, and we’re not going to regret it, even when our bosses call us into their offices demanding why such lunacy ended up in a professional game.”
So forget everything you think you know about weapons because your pitiful armament has yet to scratch the surface of the wild, wild universe of things that can be used to kill you in classic MMOs.
Guild Wars: Banana Scythe
Guild Wars’ Dervish class already wields a highly unlikely weapon for warriors: a scythe. It’s great for collecting wheat and pretending that you’re the Grim Reaper but terrible for teammates who have to keep ducking in order to retain full use of their craniums.
But a banana scythe? That’s genius. Fresh fruit is incredibly lethal in skilled hands, and I can imagine that enemies everywhere flinch when they see this bad boy twirling about. Well, except for gorillas. Really, it’s not smart to attack a gorilla with a banana scythe.
Lord of the Rings Online: Bagpipe
LOTRO already asks you to accept the premise that a musician can demoralize orcs with a snappy song or two, but I think most people’s Rubicon is when the Minstrel class pulls out a bagpipe. Oh, yes, a bagpipe. Now you’re assaulting the ears of both enemies and allies alike, and Middle-earth itself trembles before you. You don’t make a lot of friends using this weapon, but you are invited to perform at many funerals.
World of Warcraft: Fish mace
You have to assume that World of Warcraft has amassed quite a few… interesting weapon designs over the years, but none has topped the original insanity that was the fish mace. There are a few of these mid-level weapons in the game, several of which are sometimes seen flailing about in the hands of a misguided Rogue.
Details like these make you stand up and declare yourself to be a proud member of the gaming community, because while modern civilization may have been built on the shoulders of intellectual giants, you can dual-wield trout.
Fallen Earth: Golf club
Fallen Earth is the perfect arena to experiment with bizarre weaponry, and it isn’t lore-breaking in the least. After all, when the apocalypse hits, you have to make do with what you find, right?
So while I’m sure there are far stranger weapons in the game, the golf clubs are so iconic — and cool — that I couldn’t leave them out. Even the most peaceful soul, if handed a six-iron, will soon be running around shouting “FORE!” and thwopping off the heads of mutants while giggling in glee.
Aion: Dandelions
Honestly, I could’ve probably done this entire list just by using Aion. Giant forks? Leaves? Diamonds? Sword-space-fish? Carrots? It’s like the devs had Drug Trip Day and nobody called them on it.
But if I had to pick just one unusual weapon from the game, it would be a staff made of two giant dandelions… because when you think of “skull-caving deadly,” I’m sure the first image that pops into your mind is of fluffy, soft dandelions. You know, the ones that fly apart when a gentle breeze hits them. So if you try to fend off a dire bear with one of these and then spend the next six months in rehab wondering what went wrong, I’d probably start your investigation with “Why did you think wielding a flower was a good idea?”
City of Heroes: Manhole cover
Superheroes sometimes have to make do with whatever they can find, but you’d think that a resourceful City of Heroes champion could find a better shield than a sewer manhole cover. What’s going to keep the mutant alligators from escaping to the surface? Ah, well, sanitary issues aside, I’m sure it blocks bullets just fine — and dishes out the pain as well.
EverQuest: Breezeboot’s Frigid Gnasher
Quick: What has one of the best acronyms of all time and can punt an enemy 100 feet with a mere click? Why, it’s EverQuest’s BFG 9000! When you absolutely, positively need to show a dragon that it doesn’t need wings to fly!
The odd-looking Frigid Gnasher was the result of a quest given by a Gnomish pirate. Since EverQuest had no guns (and no gun skill), the device relied on one’s archery skill instead. Unfortunately, the BFG 9000 was considered so overpowered by SOE that the devs eventually removed the quest from the game — but allowed players to keep it if they’d already earned one.
EverQuest II: A fluffy pillow
For a while, I thought the EQII Massively staffers were pulling my leg: “Oh, yeah, there’s totally combat pillows in the game! Pillow weapons! Um, go find them!” And then I would search and search and search and come up empty-handed. Why do they hate me so? Is it my ragged beard? My talent for staring at someone for minutes without blinking? My macrame collection?
It turns out that they may have been right all along: There are pillow weapons (of a sort) in the game. Special housing items allow players to have an innocent, light-hearted pillow fight, which certainly does not play into any juvenile fantasies out there.
Diablo II: Wirt’s Leg
Am I stretching by including Diablo II on this list? Do I look like I care? Oh, you can’t see me. Trust me, my face is communicating, “I do not care.”
What I do care about is how essential it is to include a game in which you can steal a guy’s fake leg and start whipping it around without your conscience troubling you. You may be doing terrific damage, but poor Wirt has to hop just to go to the fridge. At least the power of his leg opens up a magical portal to the land of axe-wielding cows. That should provide some consolation as he continuously falls over.
Warhammer Online: Spanner
I’ve always found it tremendously weird whenever TV, movie or video game characters would use an item from their profession as a weapon. I mean, thematically it’s great. But practically? It’s really silly. It’s like janitors attacking you with mops or cheerleaders with pompons. Or my attacking you with badly parsed sentences.
Nobody doubts that a spanner or wrench across your head is going to hurt like a mother, but was Warhammer Online’s Engineer so out of ideas for a weapon that he couldn’t look past his own toolbox? Even so, what about the awl in there? The hammer? The power drill? There are more options, is all I’m saying.
Everyone likes a good list, and we are no different! Perfect Ten takes an MMO topic and divvies it up into 10 delicious, entertaining, and often informative segments for your snacking pleasure. Got a good idea for a list? Email us at justin@massivelyop.com or eliot@massivelyop.com with the subject line “Perfect Ten.”
